Space Inside

Space Inside

Overwhelm: bury or drown beneath a huge mass of something.

This is a huge part of my story. Overwhelm. I often felt like I was drowning in my sensations as a child. My environment played a huge part in this story too... take me to the city and I'd literally hurl myself off the pavement into the oncoming vehicles, my need to escape was so strong. Give me space and horizons and I unravel, relax.

I felt like I was made of tectonic plates held together under great tension. There was no gentle tilting for me as a child, the plates shifted, fast, and fiercely, and the earthquakes and eruptions followed. I still carry shame around my 'temper' as a child, and as a mother. It wasn't until I had children that I understood that I needed to change. I was desperate to find a way to work with this magma of mine.

So space is a huge part of my story. I seek it out, both the physical and emotional aspect of space. My son has helped me to learn a huge amount about listening to these forces. From his earliest years when he found the world too much, he would cover his eyes, and ears if he could, and sink to the ground. Paralysed by sensation and emotion. Needing to turn the world off, just for a while, to re-calibrate, find his centre, his ground.

And it's funny, as I’d laugh about it and think it was such a bizarre thing to do... to try to hide by covering his eyes. Whilst I'd just hide in my house, in my mind, from the world. But there’s this thing I’m noticing... something incredible happens when you close your eyes. Truly. And I feel like I've only started to dip my toes into this magic ocean of darkness and stillness that is within me, right here. It seems so obvious, to tune out. But I didn't realise that I have the power to switch off a sense, simply by closing my eyes.

And once I close my eyes... my whole world changes.

I'm reading 'And There Was Light' at the moment, a memoir about a blind French man during the war, and it's blowing my mind. I feel there's so much still to discover about these senses of ours... .

Do you close your eyes, by choice, when you feel anxious or overwhelmed? Or even just for fun and insight?