Fear

Fear

Fear

🖤Drawn by my daughter @wolfie_biggins🖤
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“The only place fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future.” Will Smith ⁣⁣
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“I think you should appreciate the peacefulness of the waves instead of fear the coming storm. It sounds real corny, but live in the present, and it shall reward you in the future.” @wolfie_biggins ❤️🙏✨⁣
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We watched After Earth again the other week. It’s great at expressing the paralysing effects of fear for kids, and adults too. I think especially for those of us who struggle with anxiety, it’s a really nice take on some of the things we can do when our fears take root. Wolfie is without a doubt one of my biggest teachers as far as facing our fears is concerned. She’s been a ghoster (see movie for reference 😉) since she was born, and shows me daily how to take a knee and find my ground.⁣⁣
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As a side note, I’m loving her take on my Russian Doll in her own #drawthisinyourstyle challenge... she’s my art teacher too! ❤️🙏✨

Out-Thinking

Out-thinking

Today is St.David’s Day. I think I woke up with the fire of his dragon burning through my brain. Not going to lie, it wasn’t pretty. I really struggle when my mind pulls a 180 without being able to understand why.

I walked, practiced my yoga, I closed my eyes. I tried not to try... I really struggle with that one. And it dawned on me again, that no matter how much I learn, and practice, that I will never be able to out-think these thoughts of mine.

My fire has burnt out, for now.

My daughter is massaging my head... that helps. ❤️✨ Anyone else feel the fire today?

Space Inside

Space Inside

Overwhelm: bury or drown beneath a huge mass of something.

This is a huge part of my story. Overwhelm. I often felt like I was drowning in my sensations as a child. My environment played a huge part in this story too... take me to the city and I'd literally hurl myself off the pavement into the oncoming vehicles, my need to escape was so strong. Give me space and horizons and I unravel, relax.

I felt like I was made of tectonic plates held together under great tension. There was no gentle tilting for me as a child, the plates shifted, fast, and fiercely, and the earthquakes and eruptions followed. I still carry shame around my 'temper' as a child, and as a mother. It wasn't until I had children that I understood that I needed to change. I was desperate to find a way to work with this magma of mine.

So space is a huge part of my story. I seek it out, both the physical and emotional aspect of space. My son has helped me to learn a huge amount about listening to these forces. From his earliest years when he found the world too much, he would cover his eyes, and ears if he could, and sink to the ground. Paralysed by sensation and emotion. Needing to turn the world off, just for a while, to re-calibrate, find his centre, his ground.

And it's funny, as I’d laugh about it and think it was such a bizarre thing to do... to try to hide by covering his eyes. Whilst I'd just hide in my house, in my mind, from the world. But there’s this thing I’m noticing... something incredible happens when you close your eyes. Truly. And I feel like I've only started to dip my toes into this magic ocean of darkness and stillness that is within me, right here. It seems so obvious, to tune out. But I didn't realise that I have the power to switch off a sense, simply by closing my eyes.

And once I close my eyes... my whole world changes.

I'm reading 'And There Was Light' at the moment, a memoir about a blind French man during the war, and it's blowing my mind. I feel there's so much still to discover about these senses of ours... .

Do you close your eyes, by choice, when you feel anxious or overwhelmed? Or even just for fun and insight?

Connections

Connections

The thing I’m recognising most about daring to peek my head out of these little windows of mine is how much braver I’m becoming each time. I can’t express how painful I found sharing my first post. Honestly, showing up for me is a physically painful experience. This I find fascinating, and I’m trying to understand where my fear comes from... but there’s a lot of unpicking to do there. (INFJ and Enneagram  #5 for starters! )

For now though, focusing on the positives, I’m figuring out how incredibly supportive people who ‘see’ you can be. I can’t be supported by a community if I’m too scared to join the fold. And slowly, these connections I make with these communications of mine are weaving a web that’s got a tiny sparkle of home. A safe space. I need that. So thank you for helping me weave this web of ours, even just a little heart, or a comment, or a conversation helps me grow braver and feel safer. In order for us to communicate and express ourselves we need to feel safe. 

If you haven’t already I’d really recommend reading the post over on Anna Lovind for her lightning bolt insight on safety and fear. It’s a connection I hadn’t considered before, and I’m so grateful to Anna for shining her light, and her connections.

Butterfly

web_cocoon.jpg

Following on from a few conversations I’ve been having lately, and sparked again today by the oh-so-lovely Ruth, I’ve been thinking more around the comforts of my cocoon. Those who know me, know how introverted I am. All my life I have had this strong push - pull towards wanting to share and connect, and wanting to hide. Hide wins. Every time.

And yet… and yet…

I’m slowly starting to peek my head out of this cocoon of mine, and realise that the risk in missing out on my wings is far scarier the unknown world beyond my walls. Baby steps, it takes time to grow wings, but I know I’m going to fly with my dragonfly, and so I need to try.