Let me be

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Being an HSP and a very strong introvert I spend a lot of time in this bubble of mine. It’s a space I’ve built to protect me from my perceived ‘noise’ of the world, as well as being a healthy quiet space where I can cultivate and curate my thoughts.

It’s funny though, as until fairly recently I often thought of my bubble as being ‘selfish’ and detaching me from the real world. So when my mum called me yesterday, and proceeded to tell me some traumatic story about an animal that had come to an unfortunate end… it burst my bubble, and I felt my tension levels rise. Again, for the millionth time, I asked her not to share this kind of stuff with me, and she proceeded to sigh, and told me to get back into my bubble. Thank you. I will. But it takes time for me to get back there, I struggle to simply ‘shake off’ my feelings as they cling to me like a heavy mist.

I realise that some people need to share in order to process, and that getting things off our chest can be an important part of processing. I am also not naive enough to realise that I get to control my every ‘real world’ interaction (even though I’ll try, ahahaha ;) However I do find that often this act of ‘sharing’ can often simply spread the negative energy outwards. As I learn and understand more about being an HSP I am realising just how important it is to give ourselves the opportunity to choose when and how to interact with this kind of information. I am well aware of the trauma and violence that is going on in the world, and I’m in no way saying we can close our eyes to it. Far, far from it infact. But I need to allow myself the freedom to choose when and how I bring that information in, as only then will I have the energy to diffuse it and help bring about the change I wish to see.

No, I don’t watch the news… #tinytruth best act of self-love I ever made.

Mixed Messages

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I’ve been thinking about mixed messages and trying to understand my introverted (and HSP) nature.

One of the most amazing (and challenging) things about becoming a mother is how it has forced me to go inside. Somewhere that I had always been too scared to go. The only way I can help them to navigate their worlds, is to try to get a better understanding of my own. Learning to understand the way I think has been the biggest gift my kids have given me, and I’m still unwrapping it daily. One important thing I’ve learnt along the way is how incredibly strong an introvert (and HSP) I am. Accepting, and not fighting this, and trying to find ways to work with this wiring of mine helps me see that there are other ways of being, that I don’t think I was aware of as a child, or even adult. There are many reasons that have influenced the way I show myself to the world, but almost all of them have included clever tricks to try to hide.

I am a master faker. Even to myself. I don’t know if this is an introvert thing, and HSP thing, a gemini thing, a big family thing, a nomadic thing, a strict school thing. But very few people get to peek at the real me. They see calm, kind, smily me… but I have a wild, electric, stubborn, sweary me too. This me, this tinygiant inside, feels more like the true me that I’m starting to embrace, and trust. These waves inside are not things to be scared of. They are a powerful force, indeed, but they too are a gift. Learning to sail these waves does indeed bring it’s challenges, but I truly believe we have to be careful when we think we can change the weather… it’s like trying to bottle a storm. It’s forcing the giant to stay tiny, when really the giant must shine, and step out from the shadows.

Finding ways to communicate my thoughts and feelings still is one of the biggest challenges of this brain of mine. I’m slowly starting so sit in my storm and can see that there is joy and peace in there too. My giant is nothing to be scared of. I want my kids to see this too, we all have our own weather systems inside, and seven days of still sunshine isn’t always as glorious as it sounds.

Show me your storm!



Connections

Connections

The thing I’m recognising most about daring to peek my head out of these little windows of mine is how much braver I’m becoming each time. I can’t express how painful I found sharing my first post. Honestly, showing up for me is a physically painful experience. This I find fascinating, and I’m trying to understand where my fear comes from... but there’s a lot of unpicking to do there. (INFJ and Enneagram  #5 for starters! )

For now though, focusing on the positives, I’m figuring out how incredibly supportive people who ‘see’ you can be. I can’t be supported by a community if I’m too scared to join the fold. And slowly, these connections I make with these communications of mine are weaving a web that’s got a tiny sparkle of home. A safe space. I need that. So thank you for helping me weave this web of ours, even just a little heart, or a comment, or a conversation helps me grow braver and feel safer. In order for us to communicate and express ourselves we need to feel safe. 

If you haven’t already I’d really recommend reading the post over on Anna Lovind for her lightning bolt insight on safety and fear. It’s a connection I hadn’t considered before, and I’m so grateful to Anna for shining her light, and her connections.